Not sure what that means

I am walking through a library stuffed full of worn down books that look to the general public mostly boring and old, thoughts of men and women long dead, about a God who the public is unconvinced exists. I am running my hands along the spines, searching for books about consubstantial and Ecumenical Councils for a paper. I enjoy the search, the thought that there is so much information, so much to explore, a never-ending pool to dive into and perhaps, never return from. I stand in between shelves and breathe in the library smell and flip through looking for Nicaea. Does it make sense for me to feel calm and safe and happy here? Maybe, maybe not. I'm not sure.

But I am happy.

I do not know what this means.

I am stumbling through the internet like one does, and I stumble across words written by a blogger I like, about her family's journey across the world to adopt a little girl. My heart stirs and I think of one of the girls I babysit, her bright eyes and the first round of stability she's probably ever had. The priest poured water over her elementary school aged head on Sunday and told her that the Christian community welcomed her with great joy, and...we did. I watch the way her parents love her and I want to love a child that way. Does it make sense for me to want to take in someone that is not born of my own body and call them my own? Maybe, maybe not.

But when I think of this possibility, I am happy.

I'm not sure what this means.

I am sitting in the second from the last pew in the chapel at work, and I start a list. I always rolled my eyes at people who made lists of what they want. I viewed it as a boxing in of God. And yet, He loves to give you your hearts desire, and you have to know your desire for Him to give it to you. So I list off big things, and little things, and I remember these three guys saying "What do you want?" And thinking that maybe, maybe God wants to give me the things that I want, not in a giving in way, but in a generous way. Does it make sense to be at peace with the idea that I am already His? That He is already loving me and that I don't have to live up to this idea I had for myself of what God wants from me? Maybe, maybe not.

But I am happy with the thought of God loving me right where I am.

I have not settled on what this means for my future.

I am rolling out of bed in the morning, just barely making it out from under my covers, the darkness settling heavy on my chest, pushing me back into my mattress, when I get a text message with a stupid sunshine emoji, and I think...I guess I have to get out of bed now. At first, I don't know how to respond or how to receive it or even if I should be OK with it, and then I remember his words and I stop overthinking, and just let myself receive, and trust that He will do what He does. Does it make sense for me to get cat videos at 7 AM? Maybe, maybe not.

But when I watched that stupid video, I was pretty damn happy.

I am not sure what that means.

But I have had enough of darkness ruling my life and I will take what I can get. I will receive without trying to figure out what it all means.


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